my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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