Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
tonight lets celebrate not being married
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
