Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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