I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
