I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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