you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
