I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
