We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
