i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
