so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
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