His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
