It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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