Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
