I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
