The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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