My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
