Dude my mom stole all your condoms
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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