thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize