dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize