i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
