ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
