Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
