I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
