my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
