if i died would you start the facebook group?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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