Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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