well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Randomize
