just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
