I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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