If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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