I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
