I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
