On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize
