he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
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