Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
