I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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