just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
