I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
