there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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