The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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