I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
