sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
