i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
