NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
