Moan for me like Helen Keller
my vag is so smooth its legendary
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
