Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
