Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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