he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize