Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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