if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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