i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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