I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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