she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
