When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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