I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Randomize
