i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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