i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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