Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
